Fear, Meditation, and Death by Bookishness
Do you ever feel so tired, that it feels like you're in a movie, where the world is buzzing past you so quickly that it's a blur, while you're stuck in a time bubble?
I'm going to go ahead and hope that at least one other person says yes because I don't want it to be just me.
Recently, I traveled by train to visit my boyfriend in Massachusetts. It was lovely.
I was nervous. I haven't been on a train for a long time. I had been told by a former partner that it was impossible to travel with me because I was so anxious. Hey - do you know what has never calmed an anxious person down ever in the history of the world? Telling them they can't do what they love because they're unpleasant to be around.
And do you know what's comforting?
Books.
I'm sure in my head I imagined just suavely whipping out another tome every time something went awkwardly. Oh, who is anxious? Surely not this cool as a cucumber middle-aged woman with a book crammed into every conceivable travel location.
So, anyway, as I lugged my luggage into the train I realized I might die, crushed to death under my own profound bookishness.
I always thought it would be the art supplies that did me in.
Ultimately, I survived.
Though I had a lingering malaise. I blamed the travel schedule. The new medicine for chronic health concerns. The strange weather. The nightmares and memories that haunt me whenever I decide to try something new, something that invites criticism.
I kept on blaming all those things until I went to my allergy shots.
The nurse gave me a side-eyed glance and asked me how I'm feeling. I said I was a bit tired but ok. She said I might have a cold, or strep, or a bug, or maybe strep. Then she kicked me out, explaining that there's no way my body was good to go for allergy shots.
That was a new experience.
So I went to Urgent Care and said I thought I had allergies, or needed some new books, or extra sleep.
By then the PA was already backing up and clutching a fistful of swabs. Could be strep, she explained.
I didn't think it was strep.
It was strep.
I'm on antibiotics and I feel great.
I've been studying mindfulness coaching. I adore it. My work has always been about finding beauty in a scary world, and suddenly I am learning about new ways to communicate that.
I had found approximately 1,001 reasons to not move forward with what I'd learned. And then synchronicity struck, and this podcast convinced me to "do it scared."
So, I'm doing it.
Music:
Thunderbird Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
*jazz hands and confetti*
I have made a meditation track for you.
To get the full experience I suggest getting in a comfortable position near a window.
It does assume that you can see plants from your window. If that's not true, I suggest getting frustrated with me. Then, place a houseplant near you. Run your fingers over the leaves, or do what works for you. I meant to mention it in the meditation, but I was nervous and I forgot.
This track isn't perfect, it isn't fancy, but it's from the heart. We are meant to grow; it's our job In this one second, we are safe.
