I Didn't Want These Lessons, But I Learned Them Anyway

3/31/2019 6:00:43 PM

2019 Week 13

What I've Learned

Those composite images from NASA make the universe look so appealingly orderly, even for something that is mind-meltingly vast.  And yet, the universe is chaotic.  But, we love to find patterns, so BY GOLLY, patterns we will find.

People, including me, often talk about being sent the lessons we need.  But that's a form of shorthand, really.  It's a short way of saying that my brain needed a certain sort of demonstration in order to build up its scaffolding surrounding a certain type of situation and the chaotic world we live in provided the information my brain was looking for.

See?  Isn't it easier to say that I was sent the lesson I needed?

Because our brains are both clever and kinda dumb.   And that's ok.

This week, I learned more about listening to my gut instincts.  And what are they saying?

• Don't trust people who don't believe in mental illness (again).
• Don't get hung up on the words of any one teacher.
• Making candles is a lot of fun.
• I don't have to prove that I'm an artist, I just popped out of the womb that way.
• It's ok to rest and regroup, I don't need to feel like I'm constantly rolling downhill.

What I'm Excited About

I have another doctor appointment soon.  I have high hopes.

What I'm Working On

I've been prioritizing my health, sketching mice and dragons and fat ghosts, and making more jewelry.

What About You?

What patterns have you been seeing?

2019 Week 12

3/24/2019 12:38:20 PM

What I've Learned:

1) Cabbage is a natural diuretic.

2) Yup, I have germs.

Driving Snakes Doesn't Sound Right

3/19/2019 2:32:53 PM

Notes from a Creative Journey - 2019 Week 11

I keep pointing my magic rectangle at the cat, and he continues to hate it.

What I'm Excited About

Spring is going to be here soon. There’s nothing like the vibrant green and chartreuse of spring.

Did you know many artists avoid painting spring scenes because it often looks fake?

What I’m Working On

Sketching. Promising myself I’ll reorganize my workspace so that I can work more efficiently. Then, feeling resentful about spending time on not working. Repeat.

I know it’s not just me. I tell you my shameful cleaning secrets as a public service.

Michaels had these black sketchbooks on sale, so obviously it was an essential purchase.

To be honest, I try to buy my supplies online to save major bucks. But, in an emergency, with a coupon, it can be OK. If you usually shop in craft store chains, try checking out Cheap Joe’s or Blick.

What I’ve Learned

Flu season is full of many bugs.

Also, I have added a new entry to my internal Spot a Smug Emotional Vampire Guidebook:

• Well, actually…
• I’m just genuinely curious here…
• Just playing devil’s advocate…
• *NEW* The DSM-IV has problems, so mental illness isn’t real…

What about You?

How do you spot smug SOBs?

What’s your favorite part of spring?

Would you also consider a black sketchbook and essential purchase?

Write and let me know :)

Whew! We made it! 2019 Week 10

3/10/2019 4:25:21 PM

  2019 — Tree of Light, 4"x7" oil on a photographic print

Ah. Time change weekend. The weekend where we ask, “Where did the time go?” even more than usual.

Excuse me, but I think I’d do really good things with that hour, and I’d like it back.

I can’t believe we’re less than a fifth through the year. Doesn’t January feel like a lifetime ago? I don’t know, maybe that purloined hour is tripping up my sense of time, like a schoolyard bully.

What I’m Excited About

This is my fifth weekly studio update in five weeks.

(Four, Three, Two, One)

Why is that exciting?

• 2018 was a year of chronic illness — both migraines and body pain. I’m not sure I had five Sundays in a row to use as I liked the whole year.
• It just feels good.
• I know the migraines and joint pain may come back, but even if they do, they can’t take the past 5 weeks away.

As I’m able to add more routines to my weekly schedule, I think I’ll be able to build a more robust business. Yes, it sucks that I have illness. It also sucks that I hadn’t built a creative business that could exist around chronic pain.

I thought I had, but it didn’t work.

I’m not there yet, but I am hopeful that I will find a path.

If you also have chronic pain, here are my current mental guidelines:

• focus on the process
• have small routines
• No. Smaller.
• E.G. — While it’s nice to have long blog posts, perfectly edited, with unique artwork, helpful SEO, a click to tweet, and so on — that isn’t going to work with chronic illness. How about aiming for: it makes sense at least 75% of the time and it exists. Ok, done.

If these help you in some small way, then my heart is happy.

I’m also excited about paste wax medium. It’s a gosh darn good time. If you’re into that sort of thing. Which I am.

In case you’re wondering, it’s a soft paste that is mixed into oils to make them behave differently — thicker, more translucent, and the paints can be pushed around and manipulated.

What I’ve Learned

Gratitude helps.

Just starting helps.

Language matters. For example, I’m under the impression that “highly sensitive/sensie” and “earth angel” are terms describing the same thing. Earth angel has a gentler ring than sensie, but highly sensitive sounds professional.

I wouldn’t want my boss to call me either.

Another example is saying that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for a project sounds a lot better than I was an anxious mess and I couldn’t make myself start.

Do you see how it goes?

What I’m Working On

Travel Notes from a Creative Journey: 2019 week 9

3/3/2019 7:46:18 PM

Upcycled paintings — artwork turned into hoots

I have a day job as a teacher’s aide, which I’m convinced helps to keep me young and entertained. But, when I’m working hard, my thoughts often stage an elaborate jailbreak featuring a trained pigeon, a spoon, and rugged determination to catch my attention. This was one of those weeks where my own internal bugaboos just kept on popping up.

What I’m Excited About

Weeks ago, I experimented with doing the first steps of creating a new pendant while I was working on my morning pages (a daily journal). It felt good, it was an intensely satisfying way of setting the stage for a creative day.

So, of course, I forgot about it.

This week I had an “oh, duh” moment, and went back to it. I love it because I can work on it even with joint pain. I don’t need to stress about making something new, I’m sifting through the old to find glimpses of beauty.

I am starting to see that 2019 is the year of focusing on routines that work.

It’s such a small thing, but as I find more routines that work with my health as it is, I think I will be able to build my creative practice back up.

What I’ve Learned

This was a week of insights. Insights are a great first step.

I don’t know if this is an INFP thing, but I tend to get insights, and then I get symbols and images that help me to process through. The symbolism often finds it’s way into my paintings. Sometimes, I look for a symbol to represent what I’m feeling — but often the image just shows up on its own.

I’ve learned that I have been avoiding excitement. I have panic attack disorder. And guess what? Excitement and panic attacks feel very similar. (And yes, I am in therapy, and yes, I have come a long way. Being affected by illness is not the same thing as ignoring it.)

There are a lot of positive things that are exciting. My new ideas for projects, adding my favorite paintings to my website, checking out new venues, talking to new people.

And I avoid them.

But now that I’ve spotted the bugbear, I can have a conversation with it.

I think mindfulness might be able to help with this. I picture mindfulness as being a little like the Kool-Aid guy, smashing through walls and shouting OM YEAH.

I've also spotted imposter syndrome rearing its head — again.

In a lot of ways, my career path is similar to someone throwing themselves into art after retirement. Except I’m not retired; I’m going through a divorce. My call to adventure is occurring at what often feels like an odd age, not retired and not recently graduated.

And so, I doubt my ability to have anything worthwhile to say about the journey. Because I’m hurting and floundering, and I feel awkward and out of step.

But, I can’t be the only awkward weirdo out there. So I guess I’ll just keep trying to find some vulnerability, and if it can take some of the fear out of someone else’s life — then that’s gosh darn exciting.

What I’m Working On

I’m continuing to work on new jewelry. I’m working on my own inner bugaboos. I’m inhaling books and podcasts. And, I’m trying to figure out why my good camera is not playing well with others so I can do some overdue Etsy updates.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bug1dCjhmbl/ (video)

Also, I’ve started cutting out pictures from junk mail so I can make collages. It’s like assembling a puzzle of meaning out of the debris of modern living.

I’m learning to love the way my brain works, panic attacks, and fanciful images, and all. That’s going to take longer than a week, and it’s a good project.

What About You